you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
