dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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