like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
