Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
