I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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