yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
