Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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