i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We need to get me chipped asap
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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