I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
