she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
