He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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