i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my shit smells like andre
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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