Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
