Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
