How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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