The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
