His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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