I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
