can we get nightvision for the apartment?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
