Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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