oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
