just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
