I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
