Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
