You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
