My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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