He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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