Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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