Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
