happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
