dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
