I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
