Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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