Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
