I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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