I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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