Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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