am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
