i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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