Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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