Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
