I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
