he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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