oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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