it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
