We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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