I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
