In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
