Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
