Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
