apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
