i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
