Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
