I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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