I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
