I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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